I haven't written anything of substance lately. Well, that I haven't taken down after a couple days. I'm famous for that, you know. Writing during a mood torrent (I prefer "mood torrent" to "mood swing", as torrent seems much more appropriate), and then taking it down once the emotional crisis has passed.
Truth is, it seems there's always an emotional crisis going on in my life. The ebb and flow is just variable; sometimes I can tread water, sometimes I can't.
I've been wanting to write lately, but haven't found the opportunity. Not that I'm terribly busy. Well, I guess probably I am. I "only" work three days a week. On my off days, I do bar banking and liquor orders and work from home, Dawson, groceries, personal errands, house keeping, appointments, and all that other crap that makes "days off" not really that at all. I guess I'm busy. I'm not sure how I'd balance it all if I worked what most consider a "normal" schedule.
It's my "day off" today. I' m going to do the bar banking, check the liquor inventory/time cards/cash-up slips, get groceries, do my banking, pay bills, and get my hair done (yay! something for me on my "day off"!) Then later I'll pick up Dawson... He's spending most of the day with Troy and Kayli, and Kayli's friend Maddy (whom I think he may have a secret crush on... not so secret anymore.. oops)...
Yes, you read that correctly, he is spending time with his former step-family. They had a very strong relationship, and I believe it important to allow that to continue. Troy and I are on good terms. We have been swimming there, we have watched UFC fights there. It's been no secret that he would like us to be together as a family again. It's also been no secret that it's hard for me to deny that that feels normal and comfortable, regardless of our history. I am just calling it "on good terms" at this point. And for now, I won't write about it any further.
Because there is still someone else in my life that has a special place in my heart. Who has for five months now. That I'm crazy about. That I have a very special connection with.
And that circumstances have been ever-challenging with.
“If you have chemistry, you need one other thing—Timing. But timing is a bitch.” ~Unknown
It's more than just timing, though. Even timing couldn't conquer the circumstantial factors. The distance, the lifestyle differences, the children and parenting differences, the personality differences, the "relationship approach/style" differences...
It's so goddamn ironic that the universe, fate, god, whatever.. would pair two people with such an undeniable connection, and such irreconcilable factors. How. Friggin. Ironic. And not in the humorous, playful ironic way, either. Irony is curious like that.
And we've discussed it all. Every practical and logical sign (most times) points towards an eventual (or immediate) ending, but we can never bring ourselves to do it. Because of said undeniable connection.
But every week, it seems, the circumstances become more and more difficult to tolerate. Sometimes they're even put right in my face, which happened just this past week...
I posted a brief rant on facebook earlier this week about the challenges of being a parent, and the influences you wish you could shield your children from. The truth is, you can't. But you can try to eliminate or avoid those that are within your control, right? But what if it's more complicated than that?
Anyway, I'm getting off path and confusingly vague. I'm rambling.
In other news, Patches (our ancient cat) got sprayed by a skunk this weekend. I was not home, and so mom had the pleasure of bathing her and trying to de-stink the house. Although, it does still slightly smell in here. Poor stupid cat. Poor Mom. Hehehe...
It was very nice to have an actual day off this weekend. I was able to spend it with both my kids and some of my family at camp in Enfield. And, tons and tons of other children, as it was a birthday party. I don't tolerate children well, or the chaos that accompanies them, but it was still a very nice day. And you know what else??? My sister and I were both there, and we didn't kill each other! We sat across from one another on the deck almost the entire day. We even had a brief small-talk exchange concerning Logan's new "man friend". It was almost... nice. I do miss what we had. Sharla was always my best friend, had been for years. It's been almost a year and a half since our parting of ways. We haven't spoken at all, and have only seen each other perhaps twice, uncomfortably. I think we may both be approaching the point where we would be willing to bury the hatchet. Although, I can't speak for her. I only know how I feel. But that was the impression I got this weekend. We shall see. Baby steps.
And I have another real day off this week as well! We'll be going to camp again on Friday, and I'll get to see my Aunt Carrie, whom I only see about once a year. Logan surprisingly has the day off also, so she'll get to go too. Hopefully Ben will let me take Dawson for the day. I'm very happy to be able to see and spend time with everyone. As I get older, I am beginning to realize that family is really the only thing we have.
And we haven't much time.
Which makes me think...
Do what's important. Do what matters. Do what makes your heart happy and your mind quiet. Do what brings you peace.
Regardless of what it looks like, or what people think, or what you stand to lose.
Every, single, day.
For we haven't much time.