tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Thursday, December 12, 2013

My latest facebook status updates reads:
"Seriously in need of an attitude adjustment... I don't know if it's the holidays (Mom always said I have a hard time with the holidays... don't know how she knows this), or hormones, or being poor and jobless, or being a pre-divorcee (for the third time), or the earth's position to Jupiter, or WHAT.
But damn, aren't I frickin miserable."

Truth is, it's all of those things, and more.

Being jobless is driving me crazy. Now, let's face it- even before the bar shut down temporarily, I didn't work that often. But for some reason, I wasn't going crazy then. I didn't mind the days spent alone. Well, they weren't really alone, I guess. Troy was here.
Now him and Logan are both gone; it's just Dawson and I. And if he's at school, or gone to his Dad's, I'm going crazy.
Oh yes, and the being poor part of it sucks too, just in case that wasn't still obvious.
I can't recall the number of interviews I've had in the last two months, dozens probably. It's ridiculous that I don't have a job yet.

I saw my therapist this week, after a couple weeks of missing her.
I mentioned that Troy had asked about postponing the divorce. I talked about my hesitancy with that.
She raised a good question- "What does staying married look like?"
I don't know.
It looks like this, I guess. Me living here (or wherever), him living there. Spending time together when we don't have our children, and visiting once and a while when we do.
This is what staying married looks like. I'm still trying to decide if that's acceptable to me.
Perhaps if we had always lived this way, this unconventional marriage wouldn't be so bad. But that's not the case. There is so much history. And this isn't what I chose.
I don't know.

I miss my dad.

Then there's my daughter, who used to be my best friend. Now I hardly see her. Rarely talk to her. In fact, I think she sees me as the enemy. Not quite sure how or when that happened.
"Had a fight with my daughter,
She flew off in rage.
Third time this week,
Don't tell me it's the age.
Don't know how I've lost her,
Only know that it's a shame"...
~Bonnie Raitt, All at Once

I don't want to have to move, again. Dawson asked again today why we have to move. How could he possibly understand such a complicated situation...  I can't afford to pay Sharla what she needs in order to keep this house, she can't afford (and shouldn't have to) take care of us. I don't know where we will go.
I don't want us to be uprooted again.

Then again, I didn't want any of this, this year. And yet, here it is.

Happy holidays.
Sigh.