tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Saturday, November 23, 2013

What a weird life it is.

So, you know... I've been thinking... And I'm pretty tired of the shitty hands life has been dealing for the past year or so.

This time last year, almost to the date, Dad started to get really sick. We were at Sharla's in Portland for Thanksgiving. He took a nap in the truck on the way down. When he woke up and got out of the truck, he was disoriented, he didn't know where he was. He called Mom (who had already gone into the house) to come get him. These were the first tell tale signs of alcoholic encephalopathy.
Not long thereafter, Dad did his first stint in EMMC. Liver and kidneys starting to fail, the encephalopathy got worse... Scared him sober. For a time, anyway. He was sober for Christmas, for the first time. And it was wonderful. But it didn't last.
Six months later, Dad was gone.

In the meantime, my marriage (which was still in it's infancy) was "on the rocks". My husband left in March. A month later, we began reconciliation. He came home, but things were still volatile.
Then Dad got sick.

For months, I watched him drink himself to death. I watched him slowly die.
And then when he passed, I couldn't get out of my own way. For two months.
I didn't know "how to grieve".
I wasn't the model wife, or the model parent. I couldn't even function, let alone fulfill those roles.

And by the time I "came out of it", my marriage had disintegrated. Without me even really knowing.
By the end of August, my husband had left, again.
Fast forward to the present... I've filed for divorce, yet I am still "seeing" my future ex-husband. At one point we talked of another reconciliation, and potentially moving back in with one another in the near future. But after some honest discussions over the last couple months, that doesn't seem as realistic as it once did.
And so, why do we/I continue? I don't know. Love, I guess. The inability to let go.

When my husband left, I had no job, no way of supporting us. And I still don't. Not for lack of trying, either. I'm still out there, aggressively seeking employment. It's been two months now, and still no job. Evidently my friends are right when they say- "it's an employer's market".
And so I wait for the bar to re-open so I can at least earn a little bit of money. I scrape together anything of worth in the house, and sell it. I don't pay my sister rent, which I fear will eventually be the bane of our relationship... She will probably have to sell this house in the spring. Even once I start working, I will not be able to realistically afford what we were once paying her for rent. And so, we will be displaced in a few short months. Sigh.
I try to keep the lights on, the cable, the phone, the house heated.... And Christmas is coming...
I keep applying for jobs. I keep interviewing...

And then, I watch as my relationship with my daughter also disintegrates. She's going to be leaving soon, to move in with her father, evidently. Her and I butt heads, I'm miserable to be around, this isn't "a healthy environment for her to live in"...
I asked her to start paying her own car insurance. And her father's side of the family is looking into buying her a new car (since hers needs more money than it's worth in repairs)... I suspect that is more likely the truth of the matter.
It's funny.. the teenage sense of entitlement, the attitude, the bitterness... Mom keeps telling me it's normal, that it's the age... But I can't imagine it. She breaks my heart.

And my son... Sigh... He is in the throes of adolescence. "Moody" is an understatement. He is still having a hard time understanding the "whys" of his step-family leaving. (Sheesh, so am I)... He is angry and sad. He is struggling academically, emotionally..
He is playing basketball this year, and he is frustrated. He has little knowledge of the game, but shows great potential...
This weekend, his father decided to allow him to quit the travel basketball team. I have been saying ABSOLUTELY NOT since the season started. I was hoping we could stay on the same page, but alas, the challenges of co-parenting. Sigh. What his father doesn't seem to understand is that allowing Dawson to "quit" is detrimental to him, on so many different levels...  If Dawson has any interest in playing basketball in the future, this year of learning would have been CRUCIAL for him. Not to mention, quitting is not what I would choose to teach him, on a very basic level. But hell, what do I know. Sigh.

And of course, then Mom gets sick. She's been in the hospital since Monday. A CT scan showed that one of the diverticula (little pockets that form in the intestines) has a tear in it, causing massive pain, and possible infection. The surgeons think it will re-seal itself, and kept her this week to keep an eye on her, before deciding to jump right to surgery. We thought she was going home Wednesday. Then we thought she was going home Friday. I did just get word that she is coming home today. Sharla is up from Portland, so hopefully her and Logan will take on my role for the rest of the weekend, as I will be absent...

Earlier in the week (before Mom got sick), I accepted an offer from my future ex-husband for a weekend of indulgence. Ironic, I know. But I am taking it. And I will try to do so without too much analyzing..  I will accept it as simply a nice time spent between two people who enjoy one another.. without strings of the past (or future) attached.
And I will try to enjoy it without guilt.
My therapist constantly tells me I need to try harder to "live in the moment".

If the "moments" could be a little less sucky, it sure would be a whole lot easier.