tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

For once, this blog won't be entirely about my marriage.
Notice I did say "entirely". It will undoubtedly still have content relating to it.
But anyway...

I offered to become a foster today for a (unnamed) rescue. (Funny, this is also related to my marriage, in that- I wouldn't be able to pursue this if my husband lived here... anyway)... I filled out the required foster application. My landlord and veterinary references were checked.
Most people who know me, know that this place would make for a fabulous furry foster home.
However, because I am of a somewhat holistic minded nature, and only vaccinate for rabies (as required by state law), I am not eligible to foster.
And this is the requirement of most rescues out there.
Now, I understand their position. But it still gets under my skin.
I want to help those dogs who need foster care, but I'm not willing to compromise my principles to do so.
And so, no fostering for me. Boo.

The job search continues. And not very successfully.
I've interviewed for two jobs in which I thought I should have been a "shoe-in". To no avail.
My interview with the humane society went well, or so I thought. Just as I thought of the last two interviews though, so who knows... Unfortunately, however, the job at the humane society pays minimum wage. It figures, a job that I would absolutely love, pays so very little. I did send a follow-up email to my interview, reiterating my interest in the position (as I always do). I have decided that if I am offered the job, I will take it. I will have to figure out how to make ends meet, but I will love what I'm doing while figuring it out.
I also had a preliminary interview with my vet's office this week. They are hiring a full-time receptionist. There are a few concerns with this though... I don't know if I can handle 9 1/2 hour days. I don't know if Dawson can handle being alone after school every day- he is technically old enough, but I'm not sure that he's emotionally old enough. I don't know if I can handle working 45 hours a week, and Saturday nights at the bar on top of that; If the pay isn't great, I will have to. Then again, any office experience I have is from so many years ago, that I may not even get a second interview. We shall see.

Speaking of Dawson...
He hates me, I'm convinced.
Today he came home from school, and immediately wanted to go to his father's. And so he did. In fact, "I want to go to my dad's" has become a regular occurrence here. Last week and this week, especially.  Today is Wednesday, and would have been a scheduled day to go anyway, and so he went.
He's having a hard time processing his emotions right now. Puberty, and this whole thing with his step-father, seems to be an emotionally deadly combination for him. He is confused by his own feelings; he loves his step-dad, and is happy to see him when he is here, yet he is angry with him too. Dawson and I talk about this quite openly, and I reassure him that it is normal, that it is okay to carry more than one feeling at a time, even though it may seem confusing. I feel the same way. We have very open communication about it.
I have talked to my therapist (who was his therapist originally) about potentially getting him back in.
I don't know what else to do for him. Other than to keep doing what I'm doing; loving and supporting him as best I can.

Logan is busy. Work and college. So far the old useless boyfriend hasn't completely crept back into her life. He calls on occasion, just often enough to set her head spinning. I wish he would just go away. She is such a bright, beautiful girl, and deserves so much better. Hopefully she'll see that eventually.

Speaking of Logan...
I testified as a character witness for her father this week in his present divorce/child custody case. How absolutely bizarre. Many aren't familiar with our history... We aren't your every day ex's... We have a long, dirty, ugly past with one another. We litigated over primary residence (no marriage to dissolve, no property, just Logan) for FIVE YEARS. A family matter had never been appealed to Superior Court, until our case, if that gives you any idea. It was disgusting. And even after it was all settled, we despised each other for years. Fighting publicly at various sporting events, refusing to adjust the court ordered visitation schedule at all, we could barely communicate, let alone be in the same room together... It was really bad, for a very long time. Somewhere along the way though, things got better, a little at a time. Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't necessarily call him "friend"... But his future ex-wife is using some pretty dirty tactics that aren't very fair in the interest of their child. And let's face it, she was never kind to Logan all those years. Ever. And so when his attorney called me (who, small world, happens to be a good friend of my mother's, and the woman who officiated my wedding with Ben), I agreed to help out.
Good karma can now come my way any time.

Speaking of marriages and divorces...
(Hey, I said it wouldn't be "entirely" about my marriage)...
I'm still struggling, of course. But I'm (almost) learning to enjoy my alone time.
Granted, much of my alone time is still filled with bitterness. But there is at least a tiny speck of "I'm okay" in there somewhere. Sometimes, there are even brief or minute reminders why this separation is a good thing. And not just for him... If there's one thing I've learned, it's that it's not just him who needs to decide what he truly wants. As hurtful as this has been, it has probably been good for me, too. There are lessons for me to learn in this; I just have to figure out which ones are the right lessons.
My therapist continues to try and convince me to "live in the moment", to not over-think.
But, isn't that how my marriage wound up here in the first place?
I'll enjoy the moments, but I'll never stop thinking.
I have a lot to think about.

I've spent all day in my pajamas. And I don't feel one bit badly about it.
I figure I will enjoy this time of unemployment while it lasts.
Now, back to Netflix.