I haven't been doing much blogging as of late. Mostly music videos, quotes, and a lame attempt at some creative writing.
My husband finished moving out this week.
Unless you've ever been in this position, I can't POSSIBLY help you to understand how painful it is. Not just for me. For Dawson. For Logan (although she doesn't say much, other than to express how angry she is).
Perhaps even for my husband and step-daughter; but I cannot speak for them. On the surface, of course, it appears to be very easy for them. I mean, he is the one that left. Abruptly. Again. And is now settled into his new apartment. And (based on the children's conversations) my step-daughter seems to have adjusted to the idea even before they were gone.
Anyway, I digress...
Poor Dawson... He has slept in my bed for the last two weeks (I know, what a terrible habit to form. Especially considering he's almost 12. Oh well). He's more distraught about this than any of my other failed relationship adventures. He talks about it every night. He is having a hard time sleeping. He mentions that he thinks about it in school, out of the blue. He is having a (more than usual) hard time focusing. He recognizes (and verbalizes) that this is affecting him "more than before", or, "more than he thought it would"... He is so sad. He keeps saying "I just want him to come home. I want things to be back to normal"... He wants to play with Kayli. He wants to see Troy.
I could entertain that.
We are talking.
Talking about.... what? I don't know. Things. Ideas. Stuff.
I did say- If you leave again, there is no going back. You are dead to us.
Those were the words I spoke.
Perhaps harsh, but that was the promise I made to myself.
Someone told me recently, "those are the easiest to break"... Perhaps they were right.
It is a very odd emotional position to be in... to love someone so much, and want nothing more than to be with them... and to be so hurt by them, and angry with them, at the same time.
Such an unusual conflict.
The job search continues.
No word from last week's interview. Even though I thought it went very well. Even though the human resources woman said she would let candidates know one way or the other.
I had another interview yesterday with a local credit union. The interview went well (although that's what I thought about the last one). I have banking experience. I should be a shoe-in. But then again, probably so are a bunch of the other pursuers. I won't hear anything on this one until sometime mid-end of next week.
Pretty soon I won't be able to be so particular in my job search... I really don't want to work at Dunkin, or Marshall's, or Job Lots (etc, etc, etc)...
Funny how something as simple as a job search can add to the bitterness. And not just the financial aspect (although that of course is a huge deal, which I will probably complain about later)...
I enjoyed being home. Working the bar on weekends. I used to complain of how bored I was. I thought of getting another part time job, more for entertainment purposes than financial reasons. I wasn't lazy. I worked, earned an income. Took care of the household.
In retrospect, I enjoyed it. Being home for my little guy when he gets on and off the bus. Being available if he was sick. Seeing Logan between classes (as that seems the only time I see her). Puttering around the house during the day. Running errands. Writing. Doing laundry. Getting groceries. Mowing. Doing whatever.
Now I'll be an overworked schmuck, hardly seeing my kids, getting little sleep, rubbing pennies together, just to put gas in my car to get to my two jobs, in order to barely pay the bills. If I'm lucky.
(And in comes the financial complaints)...
Sell my dream car to catch up on piles of overdue bills. Pay rent for one or two more months to keep the roof over our heads. Hope that the oil tank doesn't run dry. Spend out of savings to buy my son a decent birthday present, dog food, new work clothes... And wait, it gets better, because Christmas is just around the corner... Sigh.
My savings is running out. And the bills/expenses keep coming in.
And then there's my broken heart.
5 Great Things About Today...
Eh, fuck it.