And I'm not dead yet. Imagine that.
But I do still need reminding. Hence this blog.
I spent all week in a fog, trying to keep it together for Dawson. Unfortunately, it only worked about half the time. That poor kid is so torn up over this. I wish I could make him feel better. Half the time he's so depressed, and the other half he spends trying to make me feel better.
When he left for his Dad's on Wednesday, he said to me- "Try to convince Troy not to leave, Mom.... Make him stay"... It broke my heart to hear that, and it hurt like hell to tell him I couldn't do that.
He called me Wednesday night and again last night. Some of the talk was about how sad and upset and angry he is. Some of the talk was him trying to reassure me that we would be okay, that we still have each other. He is just a boy, but trying to be the little man of the house. He shouldn't feel responsible for that.
I wish I could take all of this away for him.
I continue to tell him that we will be okay, that I will take care of us, that our love as a family will get us through this.
All the while, not sure if I'm believing it myself.
And let's back up a little bit...
Troy has left me to explain all of this to my children. He has been a coward, and hidden from them as much as possible all week. He has not spoken to them unless absolutely necessary.
He has said nothing to Logan all week. And when he left on Wednesday, he brushed by Dawson with only a casual and muttered goodbye.
And that will be one of the things I hold onto. One of the many things that help me get through this.
And he has left us destitute. That will be another point I will remind myself of.
He left just before rent is due (conveniently). Utility bills are overdue. Oil tanks are on empty.
He claims poverty, that his car cost him hundreds of dollars to fix, that he gave me most of his money to go towards my truck, that he has to save for security and first months rent on a new house, that his account is overdrawn...
But he was able to fix his car. And he continues to be able to play poker and go to the casino. And offer money to his friends. So forgive me if I am a bit confused.
He said he would help if he can...
Yet he uses the truck money against me. And he uses the "I paid for everything" against me.
I won't be sucked into that. And I hope to hell everyone who listens to him gloat about how generous he was doesn't fall for that either. We were a team, a family, no matter who the "breadwinner" was. It doesn't make you a better person because you made the most money. And it certainly doesn't make you a better person if you go around using it as your claim to being a great husband.
And about that truck... my dream truck...
I'm selling it today. The paperwork will be transferred to the new owner this afternoon. I'll walk away with enough money to buy a cheaper vehicle and pay all the bills he left us with. With any luck, I'll have a little left to get some oil and stash away some for Christmas. Dawson's birthday is coming right up too. And of course, the bills don't stop coming in, and rent is due every month.... and I may not be able to afford this house on my own anyway... regardless of how much I work... once I finally do find a second job...
And this I will also hold onto.
And then there's Dad.
My husband came back (from leaving us the last time) just before my dad got really sick. Two months later, Dad was gone. It's now been two months since he passed, and my husband has had one foot out the door the whole time. Two months after Dad is gone, and he finally leaves, again. And sure, it might be mere coincidence. But it's still awfully friggin hard to swallow.
Because let's face it, it does have something to do with our marriage.
It's been a little difficult for me to be a loving, happy-go-lucky, rainbows and butterflies kind of person this summer. My Dad died, for christ sake. So pardon me if I haven't been the lovey-dovey, perfect, wonder-woman wife that you expected.
And that's the other thing about this (and all the other times)...
Whenever things aren't exactly perfect, he quits. Just quits. Claims he's so unhappy that he doesn't know what else to do but leave. He loves me, but he's unhappy, and leaves.
I don't understand those who have no staying power. No real commitment to their family, their marriage, and love. That, I'll NEVER understand. Because I have it. I have what it takes to stay, to try, to never give up, to love and honor my commitment to my family and my marriage. I don't understand quitters.
I'll remember that as well.
And finally, lets talk about the one important thing that I have to hold onto through this...
How many times has he done this to us??
He threatened to leave last summer, just before we were married. We spent a weekend apart, until I finally was able to "convince" him to stay.
We married in September.
By Christmas and New Years, he was talking about leaving again. He stayed away a few days here and there. Somehow, we made it through the holidays, and he stayed.
In March, he left again. He was gone for a month. Until I once again convinced him to come home.
This summer, it has been up and down. He's unhappy, wishy-washy.
And now he's gone.
I told him that if he left again, that this would be the very last time; there was no coming back.
He simply said- "I know".
I'll do my best to forget the rest, and hold onto this.
Goodbye My Lover