tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Friday, April 12, 2013

I woke this morning with a tornado in my head.
And so I'll write...

Yes, is the answer to everyone's question.
Yes, my husband and I are talking, spending time together, discussing the ways we could reconcile.

Cough, choke, gasp... All done now? Ok, let's proceed then.

I just want my normal back. My love, my life, my husband, my family. My happy. My normal.
I know it's not that easy, trust me. I've been a veritable roller coaster these last several days. One minute I hate him, and can't fathom the thought of forgiveness or trust (and subsequently want to carve his eyes out with a rusty spoon). One minute I am sobbing, and just wanting him to come back home. The next minute, I'm absolutely ignoring the last few weeks, and loving the moment with him as if nothing had ever happened. Then it's back up, back down, around the corner, back up (throw your hands in the air), back down... And so on.

Peace talks began two weeks after "the incident".
I've filed a letter with the courts asking them to dismiss my complaint for divorce at this time.
We've spent this week discussing how we feel, why we came to this, how we avoid it, how to be sure it doesn't happen again, etc, etc, etc... Counseling (and lots of it), meds, lifestyle changes, coping skills, more patience, more understanding, more trust.. Lots of apologies. All of these things being discussed, while trying to work out a plausible solution...

We have yet to work out an exact plan...
He has an idea (spend some more time apart, for a little while, while also spending time together, while working on our individual issues, and working together on our combined issues). I have an idea (he just comes back home and we work on all that stuff).
Those are of course very general, abbreviated, and vague descriptions of our individual ideas. I couldn't possibly have time to write all the specifics, nor would you have time to read them. That's them, in a very tiny, condensed nutshell. So anyway...
I can see the good and the bad to each potential solution. But of course, I like mine better. I have too many fears about his. Mostly fear that it will build more resentment, rather than build a stronger relationship. And let's face it, I have some serious resentment/trust issues already. I can't see his idea helping those. And yet, I also can't corner him into coming back home right away (although he has said he will, if that's what I need), as I fear that he would then resent me for not exploring the possibilities, and forcing him into "my solution".
Sigh.
We just have to meet somewhere in the middle of the two. Somehow.
We have another appointment with our counselor today. She fit us in on an "off" day (on top of our normal appointments), as an emergency of sorts. She is a kind, knowledgeable, and unbiased woman. Maybe she can help us.

And now I will address the naysayers.
And by that, I don't mean MY friends. Although, I have many that will shake their heads and frown in disapproval. Many of you are doing that now, and I still love you. :)
But most will love me and accept whatever path I choose.
I mean the people who have wrongly judged ME in this.
The people who don't really know me.. they only see that I "put it all out there", in blogs, on facebook...
And yes, I admit I have (mostly) a no-holds-barred policy. Don't get me wrong though; there is a certain amount of privacy in my world, and trust me, there is A LOT more I could write about. And I don't.
But I talk about it... I tell the story...
And to them, that makes ME the bad guy.
So to those naysayers, I say- Please take a ticket, and get in the long line of shit that I don't care about.
Ain't nobody got time for that...

To the rest of you, Wish me luck.